Over a 10 year period, I have met over 10,000 people and talked about their relationship with them. Because I’m a matchmaker. When I first started my company (Tenkap), I thought of matchmaking as a pot and lid, as the name suggests. Even though the idea still exists today, attitudes and people’s views on relationships have changed a lot over time. In my opinion, these changes were both positive and negative.

For example, thanks to positive social media, we now have the ability to reach more people and empower relationships with people who are much harder to reach. But the same social networks have made us not who we are. In other words, we stopped being ourselves on social media. The desire to show ourselves as different from what we are has more or less hooked us all from somewhere. We can no longer be sure how active we are on social media, even within ourselves.

In the past, pots were looking for their lids and lids were looking for their pots, but today I am a pot, but I need a pressure cooker lid or even I am an air fryer, but unfortunately, there are not a few people who say that I need a lid!

Are you confused? Let me tell you what I mean right now.

In today’s life, where the world takes us, we often lose the sense of ourselves.

When talking about relationships with people, I ask them a few basic questions. If I ask them about their expectations or criteria for a partner, they can talk to me for a few minutes. They might even make a detailed list and ask me to find someone on that list. But I wish life was that easy… Especially relationships.

In all this confusion of criteria and expectations, there is usually a great silence when we turn the question on its head. In other words, there is usually no answer to the question of what you will offer in the case of a relationship in exchange for such expectations. Because usually we know what we want from a relationship (or rather, we think we know), but we never think about whether we can live up to the other person’s expectations in return.

“Why did the person you idealize choose you?” The answer to the question is either “I don’t know” or “Because I think I deserve it.” Adoption; we all deserve the best in everything. But there is a fact of life that you have to work hard to deserve it.

None of us know the true face of the relationships you see on social media. I said we’re not social media…

Everyone shares their best moments or situations in life, which are very good, although in reality they are not so perfect. Human psychology naturally comes to the point “What I lack in him, that I deserve.” Let’s be clear once and for all; Having a relationship does not mean that you will be happy 24/7 or that your partner will always make you happy. Relationships are like life itself… There are happy moments as well as hard times.

Now back to my position: choosing the right partner…


In all this confusion, it seems very difficult to choose the right person and, more importantly, to determine who or for whom we are the right person. In fact, my experience shows that it is not so difficult, it is only possible when a certain point of awareness is reached. Although what I have written above is the subject of deep study in disciplines such as sociology and psychology, I will try to shed some light on the subject, starting with a question I asked my candidates in my sessions.

The question is: “When you think of a partner, what comes to mind first?” In fact, we can ask this question in the following ways… “When you think of the opposite sex, what comes to mind first?” Or regardless of gender, depending on the type of partner you prefer. What is the first thing that comes to mind when you think of a woman/man?

This is one of the major topics in psychology, and many of us know or have witnessed that some of us may choose partners who are similar to their parents and who are an extension of their energy and style.


Science says we do this unconsciously for many reasons, such as staying in our comfort zone and needing trust. For this reason, what first comes to mind when you think of the opposite sex or male/female? One of the most popular answers to the question is “mom / dad”. Adjectives like trust, compassion, peace, strength, love, family, friend, friend, exchange, beauty, attractiveness are at least as popular as this answer. One thing that has really surprised me for many years is that sex is ranked last among the answers to this question, but this is a subject for a separate consideration … Especially in our geography.

In fact, what we expect from a relationship, and more importantly why we make the wrong choice from time to time, is hidden in the answer you give to this question.


Because this question opens the door to an awareness that allows you to know what you expect from a relationship, and where you have made mistakes in accordance with this expectation. Therefore, if the first answer that comes to your mind about the possibility of a relationship is power, you may be attracted to powerful people. But as the relationship develops, you may encounter problems such as being overwhelmed by this force, feeling pressured by too much power, limiting your freedom, and feeling more and more helpless.

Now think again; Is this really the strength you expect from a relationship? Or do you not like balanced and dosed power with many functions? Maybe adding strength to this relationship from yourself, instead of waiting for the other person completely, will not make this relationship stronger and healthier? Do you really want a partner like your mom/dad? Will a relationship like theirs make you happy? Will beauty/beauty, career, money and opportunity alone be enough to make you happy?

If I have to briefly recap: “What’s the first thing that comes to your mind when you say woman/man?” I recommend thinking deeply about one or two answers to the question (the first thing that comes to mind without thinking).


Is this what you really want, or are these learned codes of social consciousness? When you bring this into your life, will you be truly happy and at peace? Because all these expectations will be energies that you attract into your life with its pros and cons. Most importantly, what do you bring to the relationship? In other words, what rewards you from the other side’s point of view? When you open yourself up to new experiences with the awareness of all these issues, there is no reason why pot lids and pot lids don’t find their place.

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